August 16, 2009
What Makes a Strong Marriage Anyway?
WHAT MAKES A STRONG MARRIAGE, ANYWAY….? We all want a great marriage. Yet, we know the grim statistics regarding the survival of marriages in the US. About 52% end in divorce within the first 10 years. Worse yet for second or third marriages, much worse for families where special needs are present in children-UPWARDS OF 70% end in divorce, (AAMFT Family Therapy magazine May 2008). We all go into our marriages with the highest of hopes and enthusiasm for the future. Why is it so hard to stay happily married? There are definite qualities that exist in healthy marriages, that is, a marriage that is defined by both partners to be “mostly” or “usually” very satisfying. We will explore these qualities and look at what really works to make and keep marriages strong, healthy and satisfying for a lifetime.
THE FOUR C’S AND AN A …COMMITMENT, COMMUNICATION, COMPASSION, CONNECTION, AND ACCEPTANCE. Let’s explore these concepts in depth…
COMMITMENT: is the mindset that “I am in this for the long haul, no matter what will come our way”. This is a very difficult concept. Most of us in this society today have a “ME not “WE” mentality. We look at things from the perspective of “what’s in this for ME?” If things are not making us feel happy in the moment, we simply replace them. All marriages will inevitably bring us many unpleasant emotions, and all of us question our choices from time to time. Commitment requires that we move beyond these thoughts and feelings (which come and go) and stick to our game plan, in good times and bad, for better or worse. This is not to say that in the case of significant abuse or if our true best interest as individuals is threatened, we should continue indefinitely. But short of this, we need a mindset that has no back door exit. This is the only way we can work toward true solutions.
COMMUNICATION: is the ability to “send” and “receive” messages effectively. We develop communication styles early on in our lives that I call “Belly Button,” styles; we are usually ‘Innies or Outies”. Innies tend to hold things in and typically expect that our partner should “know” how we feel. They also tend to explode after a while or are capable of holding a grudge for long periods of time. Innies are usually quite sensitive individuals. Outies, on the other hand, tend to speak before they think. Thicker skinned, they “tell it like it is” and tend to yell, lecture or dominate an interaction. No style is better or worse than the other, in fact, they usually tend to wind up marrying each other! If a middle ground can be achieved where each party can hear and be heard, then true communication can be achieved. Think of this like playing catch with a 3 year old. When you “send”, keep it straight, easy to get, soft and easy. The goal is to simply send your message in a way that your partner can easily “get it”. When you “catch”, try to really get the message, don’t make it harder by not really being there to receive. Use non verbal signals, like eye contact. In this way, partners feel validated (an all too rare experience,) information gets shared and problems get solved. If a marriage is to be successful, we all must try to modify our style to be more compatible with our partner in this area. Yes, they need to do so as well, but we always must start with ourselves. Take the lead in this area. Try the high road, It will increase your self esteem, create good will and completely transform the feeling in any home where tension tends to run high. It also teaches our children a vital skill that will serve them well their entire lives. That we are in control of how we behave is a wonderful thing, no matter how we feel.
COMPASSION: is the ability to walk in another person’s shoes and attempt to “feel the world through their experience”. This is very powerful and most of us do not get or give enough of this. Imagine that a baby is crying. We instinctively want to pick them up, hold and soothe them. We feel their distress. Yet, when our partner is distressed, do we move toward them to soothe them? Do they do this for us? If we learn to prioritize this, amazing things can happen. When we feel that our partner “has my back”, the entire experience of marriage is transformed. In cases of chronic stress, this becomes increasingly difficult. However, it is in stressful times that we need to be compassionate the most. Again, what we can learn to give has the greatest chance of coming back to us. Practice this skill, find times to be compassionate. The payoff is great.
CONNECTION: is the sense that we are a team. The picture in our mind of what it means to be connected is different for all everyone, but there are common elements that exist in marriages where partners report a deep sense of connection. They always include a fair division of labor (a “quid pro quo” or even exchange). This means that what you give and what you get, in the areas that are most important to you, are fair. This can include parenting, finances, sex, recreation; time to oneself, household tasks, and the list goes on. Couples tend to become disconnected when they feel the “give and get” are not fair. Take the time to work though an equitable arrangement where each partner feels like they are getting enough to sustain them. In the childrearing years, this tends to be one of the hardest issues that couples face. If you are using good communication skills and are compassionate, this will help tremendously. Don’t feel guilty taking care of yourself. We become resentful when we don’t, and connection cannot live in that environment. Negotiation in this area is vital to a good connection and feeling that we are part of a working team is essential for connection.
ACCEPTANCE: We are who we are. We married who we married. Acceptance of ourselves, our spouse, our kids, our lifestyle with all the wonder and challenge that it holds, is essential for peace of mind and well being in our homes. We can (and MUST!) grow ourselves to be the best we can be, this is part of our destiny and reason for our being. Yet, we cannot change anyone else, as hard as we may try, as much as we may want “them” to be different. This free will to be who we are, how we chose, is every person’s sovereign right. Therefore, acceptance of this fact is the only way to be truly happy. The stronger our commitment is to our marriage and family (no matter what), the better the communication we share with our partner, the elements of compassion and connection in the mix, these are the tools to move our marriages to the place we most strongly desire. Yet, at the end of the day, our power lies only within ourselves, and acceptance of that is a vitally important concept to adopt. When we put our energy into transforming ourselves, it is amazing how our environment and the people within that also grow and change for the better.
Therefore, like the Beatles so beautifully said “and in the end…the love that we take, is equal to the love…we make”.
Marci Wolff Ober, LMFT
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This is a great question. What makes a strong marriage? The question is subjective. A strong marriage through my eyes is a bit simpler than what the author wrote. It is one in which both respect each other, don’t hurt each other (certainly not intentionally) and make each other smile everyday.
I came into my marriage without any Hollywood ideals of “and they lived happily ever after”. Life is too complicated enough without the pressure of living up to that. Instead I came into my marriage with the “team work” approach. We are a team in which we are equally responsible for all that our marriage entails. I certainly don’t assume that this is the right answer for anyone, only for me and my wife. I think we strive for practical and rational behavior. Communication is important here because when either one of steps outside this behavior discussion MUST be allowed to make the party aware of the potential damage this could have on OUR lives. Where this discussion ends, (hopefully in agreement ~ for us so far) can determine the future of our marriage.