May 5, 2009
Do your children believe what you say? Francis McSweeny PHD.
Do your children believe what you say?
If you’re reading this I know you care about your children, yet your love and caring doesn’t insulate you from problems. Occasionally or more frequently, your children will not listen to you. Why is that? You’re a reasonable person making reasonable requests, yet they don’t listen. There are many reasons why that may happen. Sometimes it is merely and age thing. Infants don’t have the control over their behavior so I’m not talking about them. Older children are exploring their world and finding their limits. Children of any age are finding out the rules of life and in your home. They will push until they hit a wall that doesn’t move. That is why they behave for some people and not for others. You can explain the rules to them but rules aren’t rules unless they are enforced, and many parents are so busy that many rules are sometimes overlooked. If you tell them something is a rule, and sometimes they don’t follow the rule and nothing happens, then it is not a rule. The wall keeps moving. They learn that they don’t need to listen.
I’m talking about consistency and the same can apply to good things as well. Your four year-old may ask, “Mom, can we go to the park?” “Sounds like a good idea” you reply. Your daughter is talking about right now and you, on the other hand, recognize that there is no way you can go to the park now but sometime in the near future, hopefully, you will take her to the park. When she doesn’t get to the park that day and maybe for a few days your word loses its value.
When you don’t enforce rules or there are enough occasions when you seem to say “Yes” but life gets in the way of things working out the result is she doesn’t believe you. Sometimes you follow through and other times you don’t. In your world that is what happens when the million little things of life come into play. Your daughter lives in a black and white world of right now and you don’t. Consistency seems so easy when someone talks about its importance but for a parent it is more complicated. There is also a difference between consistency and rigidity.
Pay attention to what you say to your children. Don’t make more rules than you will enforce and be clear when you agree to do something. Be specific. You understand all the things that happen in your life, but your child only sees things from her point of view and young children only see things in the here and now. Your child will believe your word when you are consistent. When your child doesn’t believe you, behavioral problems can develop later on. More on that next time.
Loving your children is a great starting point for parenting.
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