Emerson is getting the word out and folks are catching on.  Check out this article on Marraige and Emerson’s family on CNN.  Check out more discussions from Emerson on our blog.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/05/19/autism.divorce.rates/index.html?iref=allsearch

Something to think about marriage…it’s a LOT OF WORK!!!! We all know that, but what does it really mean? I think it means that in order to create or sustain a WE, it cannot be about ME , much of the time. We are not really wired this way in our society. We are taught to look to ourselves to define much of what is important and consider how we FEEL as a major deciding factor in almost every aspect of our lives. And that very perspective causes us great pain when we need to blend it, especially if it doesn’t meet our vision of what we want or believe is correct or preferable, in any given scenario. It is easy to blend our will when it matches our desire, for example, we both want Chinese food tonight or agree that a purchase is warranted and can be afforded. It is much harder when we see a parenting situation differently or don’t agree on a purchase or lifestyle choice. That’s when the WORK aspect becomes necessary. And I just don’t see that many of us in this day and age are prepared or expect that we should have to compromise or communicate effectively with both send and receive aspects working equally. Yet, we will NEED to do just that, over and over again to sustain a successful marriage. We think that if we just pick the “right” person we can bypass this process. And it is true that the more compatible we are with our spouse the easier this will be. But there are no two people that are so compatible that we can bypass this entirely, so we would be well served to look at ourselves and take stock of how flexible we are, and how maybe we can learn ( and teach our children to be) to be more open to others, accommodating or accepting of compromise unless major boundaries are being violated.

Marci Wolff Ober, LMFT

Let me introduce myself. I’m Emerson Donnell. Born and raised in New Jersey I waited until my 40’s to have a child. Little did I know I was a perfect match, a statistical poster of the typical parent who sires an autistic child, (an older white male living in New Jersey, the state with the highest incidence of autism.) And little did I know after the birth of my son Emerson that my wife Jen and I were being railroaded right into the next widely accepted statistic. Supposedly over 80% of marriages that sire an autistic child end in divorce. Some even say it’s more like 85%. First I wanted to verify if it was true, but in my research I could not validate this “statistic.” However, after being force fed into autism’s meat grinder of financial distress, anger, frustration and heartbreak I don’t doubt it for a second.
When Little Emerson was first diagnosed this specter of collateral damage was relegated as not only unavoidable but something my wife and I simply had to surrender to. I remember wondering why wasn’t anyone addressing this? What’s going wrong and where are the books to help families hold it together? When too many soldiers die on a battle field the commanders and strategists don’t just shrug their shoulders and say “oh well.” No, they sit down, figure out what’s going wrong and set plans to prevent it from happening again.
Now there are many reasons why families divorce even when nothing so tragic happens, but one glaring cause seemed to be revealed from recent research. And I can attest to the findings because I was living this very experience. Recent studies from the University of Florida found most families fall apart because Dads check out. Furthermore, it wasn’t due to the fact his child was autistic, it was how autism was affecting his relationship with the child. They couldn’t connect. It’s not that dads didn’t want to connect, it was that they didn’t know how.
Here’s my personal example of how the nuclear family stricken with autism can suddenly disintegrate. As most dads, I had warm Christmas like visions of my son running to my arms when coming home from a hard day’s work. But every night when I came through the door my hands were left empty. My son was deaf, blind and emotionless to my arrival. There was no response whatsoever. His indifference crushed my very foundation of fatherhood. Autism is so insidious, it can seep into the family fabric and begin to tear it apart before you even realize it’s there. After his diagnosis, I discovered this was very typical of an autistic child, but it still didn’t lessen the pain. Night after night I came home, got into my son’s face and vied for his attention. Inside I begged for some response, anything, a quick glimpse back or maybe even a smile, but each night was the same. I couldn’t rip him out of his thousand mile stare. I was lost. After another night of irrelevance, I remember tossing my car keys on the counter and cursing under my breath. My evening was ruined again and my behavior was about set the whole house into another emotional tailspin. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t help but become more detached as hopelessness and depression set in. It’s not that I didn’t want to connect with my son, it was that I didn’t know how. I was becoming overwhelmed, I wanted to “fix” the situation, but had no idea how to go about it.
A father wanting to connect with his child for his own fulfillment may sound like a selfish endeavor, that he’s not thinking of the child’s best interests. But on the contrary. Creating bonds and developing proper emotional responses to a parent may be arguably the most important therapy a child can receive. Recent studies found that when a father learned to connect with his child and “stay in the game” the child’s vocabulary typically increased by over 50%! Furthermore, developing affectionate behaviors early on can help break through the gray shell of autism and bring out the colorful humanity hidden within these children. As a wonderful side effect, learning to connect will help weave the family fabric back together.
This all sounds great, but if you’re a parent struggling with this very problem, I imagine your thinking, so where do I begin? There are so many areas to work on but let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, and revisit the above scenario of family greetings.

Coming home at the end of the day and trying to get into your child’s face in the hope of a reaction is basically a formula for failure. It may not sound very fun, but being calculating and pragmatic is the best approach. The goal here is to get your child out of his world and for your arrival and presence to be relevant to him.

As with any other ABA program you may have to first physically prompt him, but the key is to get the child physically involved in the greeting process. 1. Call your spouse ahead of time so he or she can prepare the environment. Turn the TV off, get any food or drink out of the child’s hands. Start to talk about “Daddy coming home,” and physically get him facing the door. By doing this you are narrowing down distractions and setting up the environment. Dads (or Mom – whomever is coming home) should not simply walk through the door, but knock on the door, call his child’s name. If the child does not respond, mom should help the child walk to the door, physically prompt him to open the door if necessary. (Do not just pick up the child or open the door for them. The goal is to get them involved and participating). Dad should be bent down at his level and come in with a hug. 

As a major note, do not expect this to all go smoothly. To put it lightly pulling an autistic child out of his comfort zone to participate in normal affectionate behaviors can be a battle of wills. Expect melt downs, flopping and resistance, but this is unfortunately a natural process of acclimating autistic children to our world. One day may not better than the last, but chances are you will begin to see progress through weeks and months.  Also, like other ABA regimens, developing this behavioral habit of coming to the door at the sound of a parent’s voice, opening it and embracing will be infinitely easier to ingrain when they are younger. Autistic children are known for developing “habits” and creating these specific types of habits can have profound positive effects. Though they may not have the capacity to understand the intrinsic good feeling of an embrace, I have found it can be taught and may blossom back in ways never imagined.  Finally getting your child to independently run to the door at the sound of your voice will be priceless.  This is the stuff that keeps families together working for more.

You may find more information on developing proper emotional behaviors and affection in autistic children in the new book: Dads And Autism, How To Stay In The Game, by Emerson Donnell. It is available on Amazon or directly from www.dadsandautism.com

WHAT MAKES A STRONG MARRIAGE, ANYWAY….? We all want a great marriage. Yet, we know the grim statistics regarding the survival of marriages in the US. About 52% end in divorce within the first 10 years. Worse yet for second or third marriages, much worse for families where special needs are present in children-UPWARDS OF 70% end in divorce, (AAMFT Family Therapy magazine May 2008). We all go into our marriages with the highest of hopes and enthusiasm for the future. Why is it so hard to stay happily married? There are definite qualities that exist in healthy marriages, that is, a marriage that is defined by both partners to be “mostly” or “usually” very satisfying. We will explore these qualities and look at what really works to make and keep marriages strong, healthy and satisfying for a lifetime.
THE FOUR C’S AND AN A …COMMITMENT, COMMUNICATION, COMPASSION, CONNECTION, AND ACCEPTANCE. Let’s explore these concepts in depth…
COMMITMENT: is the mindset that “I am in this for the long haul, no matter what will come our way”. This is a very difficult concept. Most of us in this society today have a “ME not “WE” mentality. We look at things from the perspective of “what’s in this for ME?” If things are not making us feel happy in the moment, we simply replace them. All marriages will inevitably bring us many unpleasant emotions, and all of us question our choices from time to time. Commitment requires that we move beyond these thoughts and feelings (which come and go) and stick to our game plan, in good times and bad, for better or worse. This is not to say that in the case of significant abuse or if our true best interest as individuals is threatened, we should continue indefinitely. But short of this, we need a mindset that has no back door exit. This is the only way we can work toward true solutions.
COMMUNICATION: is the ability to “send” and “receive” messages effectively. We develop communication styles early on in our lives that I call “Belly Button,” styles; we are usually ‘Innies or Outies”. Innies tend to hold things in and typically expect that our partner should “know” how we feel. They also tend to explode after a while or are capable of holding a grudge for long periods of time. Innies are usually quite sensitive individuals. Outies, on the other hand, tend to speak before they think. Thicker skinned, they “tell it like it is” and tend to yell, lecture or dominate an interaction. No style is better or worse than the other, in fact, they usually tend to wind up marrying each other! If a middle ground can be achieved where each party can hear and be heard, then true communication can be achieved. Think of this like playing catch with a 3 year old. When you “send”, keep it straight, easy to get, soft and easy. The goal is to simply send your message in a way that your partner can easily “get it”. When you “catch”, try to really get the message, don’t make it harder by not really being there to receive. Use non verbal signals, like eye contact. In this way, partners feel validated (an all too rare experience,) information gets shared and problems get solved. If a marriage is to be successful, we all must try to modify our style to be more compatible with our partner in this area. Yes, they need to do so as well, but we always must start with ourselves. Take the lead in this area. Try the high road, It will increase your self esteem, create good will and completely transform the feeling in any home where tension tends to run high. It also teaches our children a vital skill that will serve them well their entire lives. That we are in control of how we behave is a wonderful thing, no matter how we feel.
COMPASSION: is the ability to walk in another person’s shoes and attempt to “feel the world through their experience”. This is very powerful and most of us do not get or give enough of this. Imagine that a baby is crying. We instinctively want to pick them up, hold and soothe them. We feel their distress. Yet, when our partner is distressed, do we move toward them to soothe them? Do they do this for us? If we learn to prioritize this, amazing things can happen. When we feel that our partner “has my back”, the entire experience of marriage is transformed. In cases of chronic stress, this becomes increasingly difficult. However, it is in stressful times that we need to be compassionate the most. Again, what we can learn to give has the greatest chance of coming back to us. Practice this skill, find times to be compassionate. The payoff is great.
CONNECTION: is the sense that we are a team. The picture in our mind of what it means to be connected is different for all everyone, but there are common elements that exist in marriages where partners report a deep sense of connection. They always include a fair division of labor (a “quid pro quo” or even exchange). This means that what you give and what you get, in the areas that are most important to you, are fair. This can include parenting, finances, sex, recreation; time to oneself, household tasks, and the list goes on. Couples tend to become disconnected when they feel the “give and get” are not fair. Take the time to work though an equitable arrangement where each partner feels like they are getting enough to sustain them. In the childrearing years, this tends to be one of the hardest issues that couples face. If you are using good communication skills and are compassionate, this will help tremendously. Don’t feel guilty taking care of yourself. We become resentful when we don’t, and connection cannot live in that environment. Negotiation in this area is vital to a good connection and feeling that we are part of a working team is essential for connection.
ACCEPTANCE: We are who we are. We married who we married. Acceptance of ourselves, our spouse, our kids, our lifestyle with all the wonder and challenge that it holds, is essential for peace of mind and well being in our homes. We can (and MUST!) grow ourselves to be the best we can be, this is part of our destiny and reason for our being. Yet, we cannot change anyone else, as hard as we may try, as much as we may want “them” to be different. This free will to be who we are, how we chose, is every person’s sovereign right. Therefore, acceptance of this fact is the only way to be truly happy. The stronger our commitment is to our marriage and family (no matter what), the better the communication we share with our partner, the elements of compassion and connection in the mix, these are the tools to move our marriages to the place we most strongly desire. Yet, at the end of the day, our power lies only within ourselves, and acceptance of that is a vitally important concept to adopt. When we put our energy into transforming ourselves, it is amazing how our environment and the people within that also grow and change for the better.
Therefore, like the Beatles so beautifully said “and in the end…the love that we take, is equal to the love…we make”.

Marci Wolff Ober, LMFT